


Twice Shy

by Friendly_Voices



Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-09-26
Packaged: 2018-04-04 16:25:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 11,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4144572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Friendly_Voices/pseuds/Friendly_Voices
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was notoriously known that Red didn’t care for his bed companions, but Liz needed him to get his head out of his ass. Afraid or not, he was going to be a father again. AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Not mine.  
> Shorter chapters, but it's much longer than any story I'written so far. Hih, hope you'll have fun :) Oh, and beware! Some dirty words are used :P

Liz knew with sickening certainty that Red loved her. He had told or shown her so on many occasions; drunk or high, distressed or desperate – but always, always honest. Liz knew with much more maddening certainty that it didn’t matter that she loved him as well.

The Concierge of Crime could not afford the vulnerability of being in a relationship, and Raymond Reddington was scared as hell of endangering someone he loved, hence the current distance between them. It was notoriously known that Red didn’t care for his bed companions.

She should have seen it coming, but she hadn’t. Anyone who had observed them together knew that Red was interested in her wellbeing, but as long as their relationship had remained purely platonic, it had been ok. As long as they had argued and fought, not even a hint of romantic interest on either side in sight, it had been ok.

But she had crossed the line. After Red’s first confession of his love for her, she had moved their relationship from a purely platonic to a very physical level.

He had been high that night and Liz – half annoyed and half amused – had teased him about the pink elephants that hadn’t been dancing in the backyard despite his insistence that they had performed a wonderful tango.

Red had laughed and then he had suddenly stopped and gazed at her with such a heartbreaking expression on his face that it had taken her breath away. He had sighed and hugged her, murmuring in her ear: “Oh, I love you a little more with every laugh you manage to elicit from me, Lizzie.”

What else could she have done than to kiss him, then?

So, Liz blamed those pink elephants for her current situation. After that first night, Red had been distant – nothing had changed at work, of course, he still spoke only to her – but their emotional closeness seemed to be nonexistent… with several exceptions.

Every time a mission went wrong and Liz found herself under fire, or in danger, Red went berserk and after the danger passed, he frantically searched her for any injuries, devastated and shaken, “I was so scared, love, so scared, dearest,” escaping his mouth as he held her tightly and then proceeded to make personally sure that there was no lasting damage on her body. Every time he had a little too much to drink, he came to her door not saying much – just kissing her, loving her, and incoherently mumbling about how much he missed her, how much he needed her and how much he loved her – only to be gone in the morning and reserved during their next meeting.

She was quite powerless to stop him and unable to say no, mainly because she needed him and wanted him just as much as he did and the desperation in his eyes was simply irresistible.

Liz wasn’t a profiler for nothing, so she understood what was going through his head; Red was simply attempting to protect her and perhaps, to some extent, he felt undeserving of another chance at happiness.

She didn’t doubt the depth of his devotion and love for her and that and only that was the reason why Liz hadn’t had broken his nose yet. She told herself over and over again to be patient, to wait for him to come back from behind his walls, to slowly show him that he had her heart and body and soul, to show him that he didn’t need to be afraid of letting her in on all levels. She could take care of herself, so there wouldn’t be any repeated performance of the Christmas twenty years ago.

But her patience was wearing thin with his stubbornness, with his constant attempts to push her away only to be drawn back to her in the end. It was tiring, it was exhausting and it fucking hurt.

It simply hurt and she refused to take it anymore – especially since her doctor had confirmed what one little test had told her in the morning. Now it was almost nine p.m. and Liz finally managed to pluck up courage to tell him. He needed to know, and he needed to get his head out of his ass. Afraid or not, he was going to be a father again.

Liz had stopped using pills after the debacle with Tom and with Red, well, she hadn’t been obviously careful enough, or the safe had just failed which was actually the most probable explanation. They hadn’t been exactly gentle once or twice… or several times.

As she neared the house, Red’s bodyguard appeared before she could even think about knocking. He slipped out and gently closed the door without a sound. There was something nice, warm and fluffy in his eyes when looked at her, but his expression was saddened. “Elizabeth.”

“Hey, Dembe.” She felt her shoulders sagging. Liz knew that look – not quite pity, but close. It meant only one thing – Red had company and Liz would not be thrilled. It was Red’s newest attempt to push her away from him, she was sure that he wanted her to run screaming from him without looking back. She wanted to scream, yes, and then proceed to strangle him. “Now it’s a bad time, I guess?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“How long do you think this will take? I need to talk to him.”

Dembe remained silent and took a breath. His expression changed slightly and he offered her his arm. “Will you walk with me, Liz?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dembe has something to say.

Surprised, she linked their arms and let herself to be led away from the door. They rounded a few tall trees and she heard a stream nearby, but didn’t see much. It was a dark moonless night, and quite cold, too.

“Right, so what’s going on?”

They stopped safely away from the sight of the house – no one inside could catch a glimpse of them.

“Raymond saved my life and he took care of me when there was no one else. I love him like a family, he is my older brother.” Dembe’s voice was serious and sincere and he smiled at her. “That doesn’t mean I am ignorant of his mistakes, though.”

“Yeah, we can both agree that he is acting like an idiot right now.”

“Yes, we can.” He nodded and then he steeled himself. “Please, don’t take offense, I have to say this. Your patience is admirable, and I thank you for not giving up on him, but…”

Liz raised her eyebrows at him and blinked.

“I have come to care for you as well, Elizabeth, and I see you as my little sister.” Dembe fell silent and waited for a response. When there was none – Liz was too touched to say anything – he continued. “It is because I care for you, too, that I say this. Raymond does not treat you well, and I don’t wish to see you hurt. Please, reconsider your approach. It must be him who comes to you – not at night when his nightmares prevail, but in the broad daylight and as a man who acknowledges his feelings.”

“Oh, Dembe!” Liz threw herself at him and bemused Dembe caught her and hugged her back, smiling a little embarrassedly, but pleased nonetheless.

“Just remember that you have friends who wish to see you happy.” He whispered in the crown of her head and patted her back gently.

“Friends as in plural?” Liz leaned back and smiled sheepishly.

“Mr. Kaplan has become extremely fond of you, too. I’m afraid you remind her of her younger self.”

“Dear God!”

“Indeed.”

They shared a laugh, the emotional moment lightened by their humor; however, the topic was not forgotten. Liz sobered and released a deep breath, squeezing Dembe’s hand.

“You want me to go home and to end things with Red, both personal and professional.”

He looked very solemn and even pained and he considered his words carefully.

“I cannot tell you what to do, but… Yes. Any relation with Raymond is bad for you. I can see you hurting every time after he leaves your apartment or cuts you down at work. What is more, it is bad for him, too. He fights with himself and then he lashes out – at you. You need to distance yourself, to allow him time to sort out his feelings, and to sort out yours. There won’t be a way out once you decide to step into our world fully, Elizabeth.”

Liz hung her head and rubbed her eyes. Dembe was right, she was so tired and so hurt, and it seemed like the perfect solution. They might need time and perhaps even a bit of distance.

“I could… arrange for you to disappear, in the worst case.” He offered gently and it was a tempting offer. She could not keep working with the taskforce in her condition for much longer without having to answer some serious questions, which she would rather not to. To keep the baby, she would need to disappear – and Liz was going to have this child with Red or without him.

“I can’t do that, though.” Her voice shook, so small and so desperate. Not before she tried her best, not only because of her. She was not going to rob her baby of the chance to know her or his father. “I’m pregnant.”

For a moment she thought that she had broken Dembe. He remained stock still; she couldn’t even tell whether he was breathing or not. Then he lifted her and crushed her with his arms, laughing softly.

“Congratulations, Elizabeth, this is happy news. I do believe that this might speed things up. Raymond loves children.”

Dembe’s reaction sparkled something within her and Liz was suddenly impatient to see Red. “Ok, so… Let’s head back. I need to tell him.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red and Lizzie talk...

Quickly, they made their way back to the house and Liz felt much better, slightly lighter and more carefree than before. Dembe activated his overprotective mode and guided her in the darkness with the utmost gentleness, grinning from time to time. She guessed that Red wasn’t the only one who loved children.

He then ushered her in the kitchen – which was a warm, spacious and brightly lit room – and announced that he was going to drag Red down here right now. Sniggering, Liz seated herself at the table and waited.

It took him more than ten minutes, but Dembe managed to push Red through the door and closed it behind him. It looked like he had truly dragged him all the way down; Red looked annoyed and rumpled, clad only in a bathrobe.

Liz tried hard not to think about what he had been doing and why he had decided to wear only that. Red was well aware that Liz felt slightly possessive about him, he had done it on purpose. In moments like this she cursed her heart that had just refused to give up on him. He had been right, love made people powerless.

From behind the door, they could hear an indignant female voice and Dembe’s deep rumble, then the main door shutting close and silence. Red raised his eyebrows at that – Dembe had just thrown his female companion out – and then he finally looked at Liz.

“Agent Keen, Dembe adamantly insisted that is urgent, so to what do I own the pleasure of your visit? Have you caught number 67 already?” He was deliberately exasperating and moved to sit across from her. Liz wanted to punch him but managed to contain her anger.

“No, Red. We need to talk about us.”

His left eye twitched and his expression softened for a brief moment while he regarded her fondly, no doubt amused by her stubbornness. “There is nothing to talk about, Lizzie. How many times do I need to stress that out?”

Willing herself to remain calm, Liz leaned over the desk and held out her hand. After a moment of hesitation, Red took it gently and marveled at the sight of their laced fingers. Despite all of his resolve, he could not pass up the opportunity to touch her, ever, and Liz knew that. It was maddening, that they were each others’ weak spot, that only Liz could hurt him and that he was the only one who could truly hurt her.

“Let’s make a deal, Red, ok?”

“What sort of a deal?”

“You will have to say it only one more time. If you still feel the need to send me away after what I tell you, you will only have to say it one more time and I’ll go and you won’t have to deal with me anymore. I promise.”

Red observed her for a long time, his eyes were narrowed and his left cheek twitched once or twice. Then he nodded and said quietly, “We have a deal.”

“Good.” Taking a fortifying breath, she released his hand and cleared her throat. “I’m tired of us fighting all the time at work, and I want you to know that… I miss being your friend.”

“We’re not friends, Lizzie. You are an agent, and I am an asset.” He lied and Liz blinked. He had promised to never lie to her, and here he was, sitting across from her and lying right in her face.

“I’m tired of waking up alone in the mornings, Red.”

He jerked and rose, moving to the sink and filling a glass with water. Something in his eyes was so vulnerable that her heart ached for him. He was tired of leaving her, too.

“Could you please, please stop denying it, Red? I need you to stop this. Why do you keep coming back to me if we are only an agent and an asset?”

“Let me put your mind at ease, then. It won’t happen again.” When he turned, he was smiling and it was the most jarred thing she had ever seen. He lied to her again and Liz was getting angry.

“Red, I want to wake up and find you beside me. I want to build a life with you, to work on our issues. I don’t know how blunter I need to be to get my point across. I want you, period. I’m in love with you.”

The glass slipped from his fingers and he took a step towards her, almost unconsciously. She hadn’t said it out loud before, Red had never let her, silencing her with his lips – or storming out of the room. He was achingly hopeful, his eyes alight and shining with wondrous disbelief. Perhaps she should have skipped the talking parts of their interactions sooner and just jump him when he was sober, and whisper her confession into his ear over and over again until he believed her.

“You really shouldn’t be.” The expression in his face made her smile softly and she rose and took a small step towards him as well. “Are you sure this is what you want, Lizzie?”

“I am very sure. I’m in love with you, and we need you to be here for us, with us.”

It took a second to register; her words, her hand coming to rest on her stomach.

“You’re pregnant,” said Red disbelievingly and then something shifted in his expression; his eyes darkened, his face closed off, something inside was shattering to pieces. Liz stopped abruptly her approach and watched him as his shoulders tensed and his big frame begun to shake slightly. A very distinctive vein started to pulse on his forehead and he appeared to be red-faced. He clenched his fists and then brushed past her to the door and opened it.

“Get out.” He whispered at first. Then, when she didn’t move and just looked at him at a loss, he repeated it louder, “Get out.”

Dembe appeared in the hall and frowned. Red ignored him, his burning eyes focused on Liz. She shifted on her feet and asked, “What?”

“Get out of this house.” Red’s voice rose in volume and his hand holding the door trembled. He shouted, “Get out of my sight and don’t come back until you get rid of that thing!”

Her vision blackened for a split of a second and she steadied herself, leaning on the table. Had he just said ‘thing?’ Oh, she was sure that he had. It’s strange, the sudden shift that came with being a mother.  Mothers did what was best for the child, and her child surely was not a thing. Pushing herself up again, she warily approached him, and slipped around him.

He closed his eyes, tightly, so tightly, and his breathing was labored.

“Red…I…” Liz was stunned and confused and disbelieving and quickly becoming indignant. For a moment in the kitchen, she had thought, she had believed that she had gotten to him, that they could have something beautiful.

“Go and don’t come back until… until… JUST GO!”

Liz brushed by Dembe, tears blurring her vision, pain surging through her veins. The camel’s back broke and she ran from the house, fully intended to take Dembe up his offer – but later, not now. Now she needed a good cry and a good plan. She needed to lick her wounds in private without the FBI, and most importantly, she never wanted Raymond Reddington anywhere near her or her baby.

She loved him, but she loved her child much, much more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my... someone really screwed up...


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Kaplan steps in...

Exactly five years after the night Raymond Reddington had seen Elizabeth Keen last, he sat in his armchair near the fire in a house safely located far away from Washington. He was celebrating the anniversary with two bottles of fine scotch. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much left of it and he could happily announce that he was completely drunk and blissfully dozing off.

Mr. Kaplan found him in this state. Kate disapprovingly sniffed the air, put down her burden and marched to the windows, letting the cool night air in. Just how long had he been sitting here, maudling?

“Raymond! Raymond, for God’s sake, wake up!” She was exasperated.

“I’m not ass-asleep, yet.” He slurred heavily and tried to sit up. “Kate? What are you doing here?”

“Well, someone has to set you straight, boy.” She leaned over him and watched his face for a moment peering with a great deal of concentration into his bleary eyes. “Have you drunk all of this by yourself?”

“I don’t s-see anyone else in here.” He chuckled and observed with fascination the way the amber liquid reflect the firelight. “Ah, look, isn’t that beauti-beautiful?”

“I’m sure it is. Good news is you won’t die of alcohol poisoning, but I have to say that your level of tolerance is worrisome.” Raymond wasn’t her favorite person right now but she still cared enough about him to be angry at his foolish behavior.

Red frowned and before he could take a sip, she snatched the bottle from his grasp and set it far from his reach. Petulantly, he pointed a finger in her direction. “I don’t know which one of you two did that, but it was not… not nice.”

“Most worrisome, I see. Alcohol dependence is not to be taken lightly. Tell me why you are doing this, Raymond.” Kate closed the windows again and brought the bucket full of water closer. He watched her, tried to focus on her, but gave up after a moment and just collapsed in his armchair. It looked like he might pass out any second now.

“Don’t know what you mean.”

“Yes, you know very well what I mean, but if you insist, I spell it out for you. Why are you drunk as a skunk? And I don’t mean only today, but most of the time.”

He remained stubbornly silent and Kate sighed and reaching for him, she patted the back of his hand. She rarely touched him – while Red was a very tactile person, Mr. Kaplan was not. “Dembe is very worried and he is quite at a loss. I’ll need to scold him for not calling me sooner.”

“I didn’t want him to! Maybe I need to sco-scold him for calling you at all!” Red half rose from his seat, hissing angrily.

Mr. Kaplan calmly dashed all of the water into his face.

“What the hell, Kate?” Red spluttered while she evenly put the bucket down and passed him a hanky. Not that it would help with his soaked shirt and vest.

“Now, we can talk at last.”

He rubbed the back of his head and flopped back down, wiping his face. “It isn’t Dembe’s business, nor is it yours.”

“Really, Raymond?” She settled down in her own seat and waited, while Red stared into the flames. After a few more minutes the tension left his body and he sighed, rubbing his eyes as if something was causing them to water. Kate didn’t comment on his tears, although she noticed them and stored this information for later.

Finally, Red mumbled devastated, “I can’t find her.”


	5. Chapter 5

“I know.” Mr. Kaplan nodded, not even batting an eye – she had been the one to hide Liz Keen five years ago, of course that Raymond was unable to find her. And boy, hadn’t he looked for her desperately? “I doubt you will find her if she doesn’t want it.”

“Sam taught her well.”

Well, the deceased Mr. Scott had taught her quite a lot, that was true, but Kate was not going to comment on Keen’s skills in the criminal department – which she had personally tested. She didn’t fancy the interrogation that would follow after such a statement.

“Explain to me why you think it is a good idea to drown your remaining brain cells in scotch because you can’t find a missing FBI agent.” Kate had not been happy with the way Raymond had treated Elizabeth, it had resembled too much the way her late husband had been treating her – before he had mysteriously disappeared from the face of the Earth and Kate had become Mr. Kaplan. She had had a soft spot for Liz before, and now? Now Kate would make sure that Raymond would not find Elizabeth if he didn’t deserve it.

“If you came here only to mock me, please do feel free to leave again.”

“Honestly, Raymond, you are acting like a petulant child. Your business will crumple if you continue along this venue, and that will end with you six feet under.”

“That’s not a bad idea, but I would prefer a cremation.”

“You drink too much and then talk nonsense. When was the last time you were completely sober?”

He blinked at her and then chuckled again. “I think it was around this time last year.”

She pursed her lips, not finding it amusing, but when he didn’t elaborate, her eyes widened. “Good God, are you serious?”

He shrugged and then shook his head. “It’s not like I am roaring drunk every night, Kate, but I do need a hefty nightcap to fall asleep.”

The dreams plaguing the Concierge of Crime were rarely pleasant, but she had never seen such a look of resignation to enter his eyes, so much sorrow and regret and pain. She should know, she had nursed him back to health after the fire that had almost cost him his life, and then every time he had gotten hurt.

“Why are you doing this to yourself, Raymond? Is this all truly because of Elizabeth?” Kate had to ask. She loved the young woman like her own daughter, but then again, Raymond was her family and she didn’t like to see him crumbling either.

He didn’t answer at first and gazed into to the fire again, and then he lifted his shoulders and let them drop in the ultimate gesture of forlorn hesitancy while he shook his head.

“She told me she’s in love with me.”

“Yes, well, you were sleeping together, so that’s not unusual.”

Red frowned and shot her a look. Clearing his throat, he continued, “She was so persistent, she wanted it all – a closeness, emotions, a relationship… and then she just went and did… that… and instead of proving that she meant it, that she wanted to be with me, she just disappeared. I need… I need to know if she was lying or not. That’s all I need; the truth.”

Raymond and his quest for truth, Kate shook her head – she didn’t like how he was talking about Liz as if it had been only her fault. Sometimes, Raymond needed someone to open his eyes. Cuttingly, she answered, “You threw the girl out, Raymond, Dembe told me what happened, and I do believe that both of you were equally responsible for what you so eloquently put as ‘that.’”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Kate!” Red visibly bristled, his face turning sour. “It wasn’t mine. She tells me she loves me and the next second she proudly all but announces that she sleeps with someone else! And then she fucking runs! Why do I even try to find her so hard, Kate?”

“You don’t be ridiculous, the boy is your carbon copy!” Mr. Kaplan exclaimed more than a little stunned and then she put her hand in front of her mouth. Well, Elizabeth was not going to be happy, but perhaps the time for playing hide and seek had ended. The two of them obviously needed to talk, urgently.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red's reaction...

In the silence that followed, Red swallowed audibly, turning white and then green. She pushed the bucket towards him at the last moment. He knelt down and vomited. When he was finished, he simply leaned back against his armchair, breathing heavily.

“You know where she is. You’ve known the entire time while I’ve been going mad here.”

“Yes. I even delivered your son.” Mr. Kaplan appeared to be unapologetic, she never had patience for fools and it looked like Raymond had been quite foolish. How he had even reached that unbelievably stupid conclusion? Elizabeth didn’t deserve that in the slightest.

He shook his head repeatedly and closed his eyes tightly. “I can’t have children, Kate! It is simply not possible!”

“Possible or not, the boy has your facial features. Not to mention he shares your rare blood type.” Mr. Kaplan was certain now that her slip of a tongue had been for the better. Obviously Raymond needed much more than just to open his eyes. He needed a sound smack over his head. “Anyway, I can arrange DNA tests to confirm it once and for all.”

Red’s eyes watered and he bit his fist. When he spoke again his voice was rasping, breaking, “A mission went wrong… and I can’t have children… I can’t have children! The doctors said it when they released me, thirty years ago.”

Kate blinked once and then closed her eyes briefly. What a mess.

“Thirty years ago they could have been wrong, Raymond.” She told him very gently. Was it actually possible that all of this heartache had been caused by a simple lack of communication? A wrong diagnosis? She had no doubts about the boy’s parentage; he was so obviously Red’s son.

“You say he looks like me?” He blinked and his tears fell down as he hung his head. He sounded so lost, yet so hopeful. “Just like me?”

“He has his mother’s eyes and hair, the rest is pure Reddington.” Kate stood up and patted his head when a strangled sound formed in the back of his throat. It had baffled Dembe and her that Raymond had reacted in such a way – he loved children, so he would have surely adored his own.

“However, the question you should ask yourself now, Raymond, is – do you want to be a part of their lives, or not? It might be the hardest challenge you ever faced.”

Especially talking to Elizabeth, Kate mused. Once bitten, twice shy – and Liz was just as stubborn and unrelenting as Raymond, just as unforgiving, and much more protective of her own.

Struggling for words, Red nodded. He nodded frantically several times, more tears falling, his shoulders shaking, a bubble of laughter escaping him. “Of course, of course! Will you tell me where they are?”

This was more like it, that’s how she expected him to react to being a father; joy. Mr. Kaplan regarded him with a smile. “Eventually, my dear. First, you need to get cleaned up, and I’ll run the tests just to ease your mind in the meantime.”

“No, that won’t be necessary.” Red got to his feet unsteadily. “Just help me pack.”

“Pack? No, Raymond, you are going to bed, and in the morning you and I are going to talk about that drinking binge of yours, and perhaps plan how you should approach Elizabeth.”

“Drinking binge? Please!” Red scoffed and shook his head. Then he swayed on his feet. “I would hardly call it a binge…”

“Shall I speak with Dembe?”

“Kate…” An undeniably pleading quality entered his voice. “I need to talk to her and I don’t want it to look like another scheme.”

“Yes, I believe you own her an apology, but Raymond, Elizabeth is quite content with her life and you will need to convince her of your intentions. She is not your biggest fan right now, and I have to warn you, she is not the woman you knew. Trust me on this, you will need a scheme.”

Kate was afraid that Raymond was going to find out the hard way just how much his former lover had changed. Elizabeth Keen was not only a mother, which in itself was a life changing experience, but she had made a name for herself in the last five years and become quite a criminal. It was in her blood, after all.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red meets Lizzie.

Lizzie now worked as a consultant of sorts. Her intimate knowledge of the workings of the FBI and her profiler training ensured that she was quite a sought-after professional; she prepared criminals for their assumed identities. While Red could provide them with false names and histories in his standard package, Lizzie made the transition painlessly possible. She coached her clients how to be someone else, she built their lives – habits, likes and dislikes, behavior patterns fitting for their new personas, ticks and tells.

The most ironic about it was that she had been working more or less for him, in close cooperation with his people, and he had known of her for four years. Well, she was not working for him precisely speaking, but some of Red’s clients inevitably became hers. She was picky and didn’t work with the truly dangerous sort of criminals – no arms dealers, drug lords, murderers, no. She worked with those who paid her a hefty sum, but hadn’t harmed any one – mostly with frauds responsible for money laundry and so on. Red had had her under surveillance the moment she had become reputable, and both Mr. Kaplan and Dembe had been the ones to closely monitor her dealings.

Oh, he had been well played, very well played.

Willing his heart to calm down, he adjusted his fedora and walked in the small flower shop. Smiling at the florist, he just nodded and proceeded to the back room. There was a door which led upstairs where Lizzie met her clients today. She changed her meeting points regularly – never using any pattern, never using the same place twice.

Only Dembe and Kate knew where she lived, where his son lived, and both refused to tell him without Lizzie’s consent. 

It was maddening. He had proved that he meant no harm, he had proved that he wanted to make things right – unfortunately, he had also proved that he had no control over his emotions and that he was more than unstable; his treatment, which had ended only two days ago, left him exposed, raw and aching. Dembe was overprotective of Lizzie and he had only reluctantly arranged this appointment because Dembe doubted Red’s ability to handle such a meeting without irrevocably destroying his chances to see his son. Kate, on the other hand, had faith in Red.

The veiled hints that Lizzie would not hesitate to shoot him were not making things easier for Red. He knew that he had wronged her, hurt her, and he would never forgive himself for that. So how he could hope for her forgiveness? Taking a deep breath, he breezed into the room without knocking.

Lizzie was sitting on a small sofa facing the entrance. There was an armchair in front of it, waiting for her client.

Her face remained impassive, but her body tensed. She looked like he remembered her – the same face, those blue eyes, those kissable lips – her hair was shorter, lighter, her skin tanner. Physically, this was his Lizzie; however, there was an aura of power and danger around her, and it was extremely unsettling and strangely exhilarating, attractive.

Swallowing hard, Red managed to smile. “Hello Lizzie.”

“Mr. Reddington.” Her voice was clipped, she looked so professional and collected – Kate was rubbing off on her. “I assume that you are my three o’clock appointment, then.”

“Seeing that I am here and it is three o’clock, I would agree.” He cautiously inched forward and motioned for the armchair. She was not amused by his answer and nodded crisply.

He sat down and crossed his legs. The fact that he could not simply blurt out all of his questions and that he could not reach for her… it was agonizing. Five years of not being able to see Lizzie, to ask her about the truth, had accumulated into this moment. He was frustrated and angry, he was hopeful and elated, and he felt his control slipping.

He wanted a stiff drink, but that was not an option. He hadn’t had a drink in three months and two days and he wasn’t going to start now, with Lizzie in arm’s reach, with everything he never even dared to hope to have again so close. Love. Family. Peace.

“What do you want?”

“I want to talk to you.” Red’s answer was soft, he aimed for honesty. He knew that he needed to bare all of his fears and hopes for her, to lay his heart and soul at her feet… But her tone, her cold eyes, her dismissive attitude were killing him. He wanted to grab and shake her, demanding answers, and he wanted to kiss her. God, he wanted to kiss her and he wanted her to take him home to their son more than anything in the world right now.

“I don’t see any reason why I should listen. Obviously, this is not business related.”

Red lifted his hand and gestured to the space between them. “We need to talk about us.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This little cub has claws...

“Funny, I remember saying exactly the same to you. It didn’t work the first time, it won’t now.”

“Please, Lizzie.” His voice broke and her eyes, they reminded him of steel. She regarded him with caution and Red slowly took his jacket off, showing that he was unarmed.

It didn’t help, she was still tense and coiled like a snake ready to attack… and there was a silver fountain pen and a notepad next to her but he noticed them just now because her hands twitched.

“Please what, Mr. Reddington?” She took a deep calming breath and relaxed, crossing her own legs, so suggestively it hurt, and observed him detachedly.

“I just want to talk, to explain…” His palms were sweaty, his heart was beating rapidly. Maybe this was how a heart attack felt?

“I’m not interested in your excuses; however, I guess we can make this into a therapy session instead. Did you know that I am a qualified psychiatrist, now?” Her snigger sounded all wrong – cold and cutting and simply wrong.

“I didn’t. You have been busy, haven’t you?” Red had to clasp his hands together to stop them from trembling. He could not fire a gun these days, the tremors were making it impossible. He had been assured that it would pass sooner rather than later, hopefully in the matter of weeks.

“Well, yes. I like to keep myself occupied with meritorious hobbies.”

She opened the notepad and watched him, silently waiting. Red was unsure what to say, how to proceed – faced with her disdain, he felt crippled and powerless. This truly was not Lizzie he had known all those years ago, Lizzie who wanted him to simply love her and consequences be damned. This was Elizabeth the criminal who would not hesitate to jam the pen into his brain through the eye socket.

“I’ve searched for you all those years, Lizzie.”

“I know. I’ve evaded you for all those years, Red.”

He noticed that she addressed him as Red now, which he took as a good sign. He smiled gently, nodding. “Very impressive, though as I understand it, you’ve had help.”

“Help not willing to help me anymore, judging by the fact you are here now.”

Something in her tone made him shudder and he looked at her face, in her eyes, seeing the decision in them. He swallowed and shook his head, desperate.

“No, no, Lizzie, please. I forced them to tell me. It’s not their fault. They didn’t say where you live, just how to reach you. You are still… you are safe from me.” It pained him to say those words and he almost choked on the last sentence. Lizzie felt the need to be away from him to feel safe. That hurt – just like every second of this meeting hurt.

“It is a breach of trust nonetheless, and stop lying to me, Red. I know when you lie.” Unyielding, that’s what Lizzie was now, uncompromising. Her world was far from black and white, it was all gray, but her mind operated now on much simpler principle. For her, they were only her allies and her enemies and nothing in between.

“I have never lied to you.” Red was the enemy, perhaps the biggest of all of her enemies.

“You did – you lied just now, twice. Kate told you, and Dembe confirmed. That is, no matter how you look at it, a betrayal. Tell me, how do you deal with betrayal, Red?”

Then he saw something of himself reflecting in her eyes and he blinked while she smiled slowly, like a big cat showing off her sharp teeth. He blinked and he shuddered again. How did he deal with betrayal, indeed?

“How much would you charge for the therapy sessions?” Red asked instead of answering, his voice rough, because he had to come up with something to distract her, to keep Dembe and Kate out of his mess.

Lizzie was momentarily taken aback. Clearing her throat, she tilted her head to the side and said, “It was not meant as an offer, Red. I doubt you are in a need of a therapy, and even if you were, I wouldn’t want to be involved.”

Sensing that he had thrown her off balance, Red persisted, “Are you a psychiatrist, Lizzie, or not? Isn’t it your duty to help, if someone in need comes asking?”

“I’m not a doctor, nor an agent. I have no duty to help anyone anymore.” Her words were cold, but he could see the ice melting away in her gaze, and she looked intrigued. She leaned closer and peered at him, for the first time perhaps noticing details about him – how older he looked, how tired he seemed, how he had lost weight, how pale and weary he was and how his hands, now resting relaxed on his knees, trembled constantly.

The comprehension bloomed in her face and she gaped at him.

“What happened to you?”


	9. Chapter 9

She couldn’t mask her concern and Red basked in it for a moment, basked in the knowledge that she still cared about him to some point. She was paying attention to him, seeing him – how damaged he was, how close to breaking he was. Would she understand that it was her and only her that kept him going, kept him sane?

Embarrassed, he looked down at his hands and fisted them. He hated the sight of his shaking limbs. He hated to be vulnerable in front of her. “I was drinking too much, Lizzie, after you left. I needed help, eventually, and while they did release me from the clinic, I… the therapy would be a good idea, don’t you think?”

She was silent for a long time, and when he glanced at her, he noticed that her own hands were shaking a little. She seemed torn and Red quickly averted his eyes again, waiting for her to say something. He really didn’t have much to say anymore.

“You need a group therapy, Red.”

Finally, finally she spoke. She used nonchalant tone, but Red heard it, the hitch, the uncertainty. She had loved him so much, five years ago, and he understood that such a deep emotion could not leave a person completely. That’s why she hated him right now, with equal passion. All of her love had transformed into dislike. Perhaps, just perhaps there was a hope for him to transform it back.

“I need something to keep me going, Lizzie.” He answered frankly and met her eyes.

“And you went to me to get that?” She scowled, bristling.

“Yes.” The single word was so loaded with meaning, and it left Lizzie speechless. Smiling, Red nodded. He wanted very much to reach for her, to smooth out the lines of confusion which appeared on her forehead. He didn’t move; she still had the pen in her hand. Instead, he continued quietly.

“I didn’t know how far gone I was, I didn’t see what was happening to me. I was barely alive without you, Lizzie, and it was that fixed idea to find you that kept me sane. Now that I have found you, I need something else to be able to function.”

“I’m sorry that you suffered so much, Red, but I don’t know how you expect me to react to that confession. We are over and I don’t wish you anywhere near me.”

Grimacing, he hung his head and his shoulders sagged. This was not what he wanted to hear, but he had to believe that it was not entirely true. He had to.

“That’s understandable.” He cleared his throat, his voice was way too gravel. “But we both know it is not entirely possible, don’t we? I have kept tabs on you your entire life, and I won’t stop now… Besides, we have a son and I want to meet him.”

It happened extremely fast. One second Lizzie was sitting on the sofa, and the next she tackled him to the ground, the armchair knocked over. She was sitting on his chest, her knees keeping his arms still – and her silver fountain pen was pressed to his carotid.

“You listen to me, and you better listen well.” She leaned so close Red believed she would kiss him, but she whispered, “The whole world will burn if you hurt him, do you understand? I will hunt you down and I will kill you if you ever hurt him.”

“I would never do that, Lizzie. How you can even think I would?” His eyes stung, he was on the verge of crying.

“Once upon a time, I might have believed you. Now leave, I am too tempted to stab you.”

Agilely, she rose and adjusted her clothes – expensive, elegant clothes – and watched him. Red got to his feet, did the same with his jacket and reached for his hat.

“May I see you again? May I… call you? Please, Lizzie, please. Don’t do this to me.” He sounded like a needy child, so pathetic and so weak. “Don’t take you two away from me. I couldn’t bear it, not again.”

Lizzie looked for one moment like a statue, so still – he was not sure she was even breathing, and then she nodded and jotted a phone number down in her notepad, tearing the page out. She didn’t move closer to him, but offered him the piece of paper wordlessly.

Gingerly, he took it and their fingers brushed. She shivered and Red bowed his head.

“Call in a week, I’m not ready to deal with you right now.”

He nodded and made his way towards the door, his heart breaking a little more with each step that took him further from her, from his son.

“And Red?”

“Yes?” He stopped and didn’t dare to turn. There was something vulnerable in the way she addressed him and he was certain that looking at her would make him do something unwise – like trying to kiss her senseless.

“This is the last chance I give you.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are looking up...

Twelve days later, Red was standing in the bathroom and observing his own reflection with disdain and contempt, while he finally dialed the number she had given him. He was holding his breath when it started to ring. He was afraid that it was no longer valid, or that she would not answer.

“Yes?”

“Hello Lizzie.” He breathed out, resting his head against the cool glass of his mirror for a moment. Hearing her voice was soothing and he closed his eyes. 

“Red.”

Funny how in those simple three letters she could express all of her thoughts. He chuckled silently and blinked, turning away from his own haggard face and heading to the bedroom of his suite.

“I am sorry it took me so long. There was… an incident.” Red slowly sat down on his bed and untied his shoe lances with his free hand.

“What sort of incident? You sound weary.”

He would give anything in the world, anything, if he could just skip that answer. He knew that he had to tell her, though. Shame colored his cheeks and he simply said, “I relapsed. I’ve just sobered up enough to think clearly.”

“What set you off?” Lizzie sounded a little concerned and Red allowed himself to believe that she truly was concerned for him. “You need to avoid your triggers, Red.”

“You.” He had to be completely honest with her, now that she spotted a lie so easily. He wanted to be completely honest with her, to show her that he could do it, he could be whatever she wanted him to be, that he could eventually earn her trust and become the father of her child in every sense of that word.

“Excuse me?”

“You. You were the trigger. I couldn’t handle it, the way things were between us.”

“You are surprisingly open.”

“I don’t want to keep any secrets from you. That’s what you wanted, me being truthful to you.”

“You seem to realize these things a little too late, I’m afraid.”

“I know. It seems I am always, always too late.”

There was a long silence on the other side – she must have covered the microphone with her hand. He heard a faint rustling a second later, as if she put it down, and then his heart started to beat quickly and painfully.

“Mommy, I can’t find…” came from the other side. He didn’t hear the rest of the utterance, but he squeezed his eyes shut and collapsed on the bed, breathing heavily. The child’s voice was perfect, simply perfect.

“I’m sure Hudson is in the backyard, honey. Would you like me to go with you and look for our doggie?”

Red marveled at how soft and caring her voice sounded – and he smiled at the dog’s name. The mutt she had owned before was long gone, so this was probably Hudson II., and Red wondered what breed of dog it was.

The boy’s reply must have been affirmative because Lizzie spoke next to him, “Ray? Sorry, I need to go.”

“Of course, Lizzie.” He blinked rapidly, trying to sound normal and not ready to fall apart. She hadn’t noticed, but she had called him by his name. Not Red, but Ray – she had called him that only a handful of times, when they had been making love.

“Listen, I’ll make you another deal. You remain sober for a whole month, and I take you to meet our son. Agreed?”

“Agreed? Lizzie, how can you even ask that!” Red sat up and his head spun. “Thank you, thank you so much…”

“I need to make sure you’ll keep your promise, though. Call me tomorrow evening. Call me very night so I can be sure you are sober.”

The line went dead, and Red stared at his phone for a very long moment, a slow smile forming on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update could take awhile, but both Twice Shy and Clever Girl are almost, almost planned out, so... :) Stay tuned.


	11. Chapter 11

Red was well rested, relaxed and happily counting the last few remaining seconds, his phone in his hand. Today was the last day of Lizzie’s 30 days sober challenge, as he dubbed it in his head, and he was proud to announce that he hadn’t even thought about a drink in the last month. The idea of finally meeting his son was making his steps lighter, his soul singing, his heart hopeful. He wished Lizzie would see him as a man who is deserving of their love and forgiveness.

Red knew that he didn’t deserve it but he yearned for it no less, hoped for it no less. He wanted his family.

He hit the green button and smiled when it started to ring.

“Raymond.” She had been calling him by his given name in the last two weeks.

“Hello, Lizzie.” He had not drawn her attention to it, enjoying the sound of his name rolling off her lips.

“Stone-cold sober I see.”

“Yes.” He chuckled and watched the chaos around him. He enjoyed the activity of a busy restaurant on Friday night, enjoyed watching couples and friends all having good time.

“Congratulations, really, I think as your phone therapist I have a right to say that I’m proud of you.”

“Yes, as my phone therapist you have that right. You have every right, Lizzie, and only you. I couldn’t have done it without you, sweetheart.”

He heard as she released a long sigh and closed his eyes, for a moment imagining the expression on her face. Not seeing her for so long was hard, but the phone calls compensated it, to an extent.

“I have a faith in you. A bottle is not the thing that’s going to take you down.”

“It could, without the right motivation. Where shall I meet you tomorrow?”

“I’ll text you the address. But Raymond? Before we do this, before I bring our son to you, I need to know one thing.” She sounded apprehensive and Red tensed, sipping his mineral water with fear spreading through his veins. What if Lizzie would call the meeting off? She wouldn’t do that to him, not now – or would she?

The last month… the last month was heaven. It remained him of those times when they had been close, before he had ruined it all. Red had been remained why exactly it was so easy to love Elizabeth Keen. The women she had been before was no more, that was true, this Lizzie was sharper, stronger, braver, and he had fallen in love with her all over again.

“What is it?” He had thought that they were fine, that things were looking up.

“You are so hell-bent on meeting him, but… when I told you about my condition, you… you were pissed off. I think that I am ready to hear your explanation now.”

He shook his head wordlessly and said nothing for a while.

“Are you there? Raymond?”

“I’m afraid to tell you now, when we are ok. I don’t want to mess this up, Lizzie. I just don’t want to… I can’t…” he swallowed and bit the inside of his cheek, his eyes roaming around anxiously.

“Wow, calm down, Raymond, take a deep breath. Where are you? I hear hustle. Are you in a restaurant? I want you to pay, right now, and go back to your safe house or whenever you are staying. I don’t want you anywhere near a place where you can get to any alcohol, do you understand me?” Lizzie sounded so calm, so authoritative.

“No, you don’t need to be worried about that.” Red sipped his water again. “It won’t happen, I swear.”

“You said that the sorry state of things between us was your trigger, and this has the potential to cause your relapse. Do you want to risk it? This time, it would be two months before I allow you anywhere near my boy.”

“I’m fine.” He took another sip, and deeply breathed in and out. “When I was still in the Navy, thirty years ago, something went wrong on my mission and when they finally released me from the hospital, I was told that I was unable to have children.”

He waited a moment, but on the other end of the line was only silence.

“Lizzie, you told me all those beautiful things and then the news about the baby… It was like a shot straight to my heart. I thought… that you cheated on me, that you were lying… Lizzie, are you there?”

“But you have a son.” Her voice was so soft, yet so strong, so certain, and Red regretted more than ever that he had doubted her like this.

“I know, sweetheart, I know. They were wrong. I was wrong.” To his own ears, he sounded desperate. He was desperate for her to know that he was sorry, so, so sorry…

The call disconnected and Red stared numbly at his phone for a whole minute. He set it down carefully and gripped his empty glass, willing himself to breath. Then the screen lit up, and when he read the message, he slumped in his chair with relief and laughed weakly.

It was the address and time of their meeting. He was finally going to see his son.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red meets his son.

A playground in a park on Saturday afternoon was a busy place, Red chuckled. He was sitting on a bench, waiting patiently and observing all the children running around. Then he noticed him, the boy.

He was going to be five in a few short months, but he was rather tall for his age and he looked older – almost like a first-grader. He had Lizzie’s dark brown hair, slightly wavy, and Red’s smile that lit up those beloved blue eyes. He came running to the swings, and God, wasn’t he fast? An athlete in the making.

Then he saw Lizzie approach slowly, clad in a vivid red coat. Was that a declaration? Her face was more open, almost welcoming – and when she spotted him she smiled a small little smile, shy and uncertain, but very much pleased. It made something inside of him hum happily.

Smiling broadly, he rose from the bench and went to meet her.

“Hello sweetheart.” His voice was thick with emotion, he could hardly speak. He reached for her fingers and clasped them firmly with his right hand. “He’s beautiful, just beautiful.”

“I hope he would be more levelheaded than us.”

“I would not count on that.”

Saying nothing more, they watched their son for a moment. He was a focused child, very determined, carefully planning how to achieve the maximum effect with the minimum of effort. He was clearly theirs, but both of them lacked the innocence, the carefree quality of his planning how he would enjoy his playtime.

Then Red touched Lizzie’s shoulder to get her attention. “Tell me, please, what is his name?”

Lizzie blinked confused for a moment, but she quickly understood and actually blushed. Kate had said that it was Lizzie’s right to decide whether or not he would know his son’s name, and Dembe had backed her up. Lizzie herself had obviously no idea that he hadn’t known.

Then she turned away from him and towards the swings. Waving at the boy, she motioned him closer. He jumped down and with the energy only a four year old could possess, he ran to them, stopping abruptly in front of Red.

“Hi.” His face was curious, and Red’s heart clenched. He really looked like him.

“Well hello, my young friend.”

“Ray, honey, this is Raymond Reddington. Your father.” Lizzie gently squeezed their son’s shoulder and the boy’s eyes widened, before he quickly turned to his mother. She nodded and Ray fidgeted, gazing back at Red with fascination Red himself often displayed.

“I’m very pleased to finally meet you, Ray.” He managed to say it without choking, his eyes wet, and shook the boy’s hand firmly. Ray nodded very seriously, and after glancing at his mother for confirmation again, smiled brilliantly, blushing a little. It had to be Lizzie’s trait, Red had never blushed as a child.

“Me too, sir.”

Red visibly flinched and Lizzie leaned down and said something to Ray very quietly. When the boy looked up at Red again, he shyly mumbled, “Mommy says it’ ok to call you daddy, and not to call you sir. Is that really ok?”

“Your mommy is very right in this regard, Raymond. I would be honored should you call me that.”

Ray thoughtfully nodded and then he tugged his mother’s sleeve. Lizzie gave Red a small smile and bent down while their son whispered something in her ear, looking very businesslike. Kate was rubbing off on all of Red’s family, obviously.

“Oh, I don’t know, honey. Maybe you should ask your father that, don’t you think?”

He nodded again and squaring his shoulder, he looked Red straight in the eye. Now that was obviously Lizzie again. Then the boy smiled charmingly, which was absolutely a Reddington trait.

“Can you swing me on the swing, please?”

“Of course. Lead the way.” Red resisted the urge to take his son’s hand as he followed him to the swings. Instead he turned back to Lizzie and nodded his thanks. Ray. Their son was named Ray and Red was sure in that moment that some part of Lizzie had never stopped loving him.


	13. Chapter 13

During the following weeks, they had met in parks and playgrounds and gradually, Lizzie had stopped being afraid to leave their son entirely in his care for an hour or two. Dembe’s presence might have helped, too – as Red had find out, Ray called his bodyguard ‘uncle Dembe’, and the two of them got into trouble frequently and with glee.

Two months after meeting Ray for the first time, the boy and the bodyguard had managed to tire each other out on their trip to the zoo, and Red found them fast asleep on the couch in his latest safe house. The sedative he had slipped into Dembe’s coke might have helped him a little.

Red was, frankly speaking, nearing the end of his restraint. While Ray had warmed up to him wonderfully and didn’t even hesitate to call him daddy and liked to be carried around in Red’s arms when he was tired, Lizzie kept her distance. Lizzie kept her distance irritatingly and Red was slowly but surely going mad.

He could tell that while she had not forgotten, she had forgiven him. She tolerated him and Red could swear that she might even enjoy his company, that she even might like him a little. Her smiles were soft and almost inviting, and she had no freaking idea what they were doing to him. Those five years without her had been killing him, but the two last months had been hell. Being so close to Lizzie that he could feel the heat of her body, and being unable to touch her and taste her… it hurt. It just hurt and he couldn’t bear it for much longer.

He checked the time – it was nearing 8 p.m. and Dembe was supposed to drop Ray back at his mother’s at half past eight. Fishing out his phone, he dialed Lizzie’s number and exited the room.

“Ray? What’s the matter?”

“It seems that Dembe blacked out. Our son is a ball of unstoppable energy and my dear friend took it upon himself to entertain him this afternoon. Would you mind… that is… I don’t think that… I could bring Ray home tonight. If you are comfortable with it.”

He held his breath while he waited for her answer. Knocking Dembe out was not exactly fair, but Red was desperate. Now that he had his son, he needed his mother. He needed to fix their relationship, and he needed to do it now before he launched himself at her babbling nonsense, but first of all, he needed to check if she was seeing anyone or not. That irritating idea would just not leave him alone. It would perfectly explain her reserved behavior. What if he was too late?

“Ok, I’ll text you the address.”

Was it only his imagination, or was her voice amused? Ah, well. All of his eloquence was gone when he asked her for something, and she was always amused by this. Red was warmed by Lizzie’s trust, though. He could have tried to find her house, of course, but he had wanted her to tell him, he had wanted to earn it.

Half an hour later, Red pulled up in front of a reasonably sized house in a quiet neighborhood with a tall fence. The lights were on, the yellow glow in the cold September air warm and inviting. Just seeing the house, his son’s and Lizzie’s home, brought tears to his eyes.

He gently picked up Ray and made his way towards the gate, noticing movement in the front yard – and then an enormous overgrown golden retriever greeted him with a soft deep woof. Ray stirred and smiled, his hands coming around Red’s neck.

“Hello, buddy! You must be Hudson II. You look like an intelligent fellow, so… you will surely let me in without any incidents, won’t you?”

He carefully opened the gate and slipped in. Hudson sniffed Red’s knee and then he wiggled his tail.

“That’s a good boy. Now be quiet, we don’t want to wake this little one up, do we?”

Chuckling, he moved to the front door, but before he could knock, it opened and Lizzie grinned at him.

“Are you two becoming friends already? Hudson, don’t you da-” the rest of the sentence was left unfinished, because Hudson put his paws on her shoulders quickly and licked her face.

“Down boy! And you, Raymond, stop laughing and get inside.”

“As you wish.” He closed the door with his heel and followed her inside. “You have a beautiful home, Lizzie. I’m honored that you allowed me to even cross your threshold…”

She raised both her eyebrows and Red smiled sheepishly. That much for babbling. “Where should I put him?”

“Up and second door on the left. Just get his shoes off and tuck him in, please. I’ll get you something to drink.” She nodded to the stairs and then turned and headed for the kitchen.

So Red took his time with putting his son to bed for the first time ever, and then he snooped around for a moment. His son liked the sea and had a whole fleet of toy steamships in his room right next to – the horror – a figure of Captain America. Even the plastic face reminded Red of Ressler and he grimaced.

Then he carefully found Lizzie’s bedroom and unable to stop himself, he made his way inside. He was relieved to see that there were no traces of another presence – no male clothes in the closet – but he had to make sure and sneaked into the adjacent bathroom. There was only one toothbrush, and only Lizzie’s cosmetics – no shaver, no aftershave, and no cologne. So she was not seeing anyone or at least no one was staying overnight.

“Honestly, Red, you could just ask, you know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter and we are done with this little adventure... So! Let me bring you along another ride with Red and Lizzie. The story called Fate is coming soon and I hope you will stay tuned :)


	14. Chapter 14

Startled, he whirled around to see Lizzie standing in her bedroom with two glasses of lemonade in her hands and an exasperated look on her face. “I let you inside of my home and the first thing you do is to snoop around, really?”

“I’m sorry. I’ll leave immediately…” Red’s shoulders dropped and he was unable to meet her gaze. He was acting irrationally, and he was extremely grateful that Lizzie hadn’t the slightest idea that he had drugged Dembe to get an excuse to finally find out where she lived. It was ridiculous.

“Wait, I think we need to talk about us.”

He stopped and tentatively turned. Talking to Lizzie about them was something he longed to do, but the possible rejection terrified him. Talking to Lizzie in her bedroom was definitely a bad, bad idea; Red’s control over his emotions even five months after his treatment was far from perfect and he had already proven that he was acting unreasonably.

“Of course, sweetheart.”

She hesitated, eyeing him and his stiff posture and then the bedroom door behind him. “Maybe the kitchen would be a better place.”

Dutifully trailing behind her, Red rubbed his eyes and heaved a sigh. Much better – he could think clearer in there at least. They sat down at the table and Red sipped his lemonade. It was homemade and he knew that it was Kate’s secret recipe.

“How would you describe the things between us now, Red?” Lizzie asked carefully and observed him. She appeared to be every inch the professional he had met all those months ago even in her loose shirt, leggings and fluffy slippers. Those slippers were actually very fascinating and Red found himself observing them instead of looking at her face.

“Better. We are doing fine, aren’t we? That’s truly wonderful…”

“So why do you feel the need to sneak around my house and search my rooms? What were you looking for, Ray?” Her voice so calm, so encouraging – he felt like a little boy with whom his mother gently reasoned after the scolding had ended. She wanted the truth, they were the same in that regard, and Red was powerless, not willing to deny her anything anymore even if it could destroy him completely.

“I… thought that nothing was worse than losing you. I was wrong. This… this is much worse than that.”

She inhaled sharply and he knew that she understood the meaning perfectly.

“What do you want from me? Be honest.” Very slowly her hand reached for his and she squeezed his fingers. Red almost flinched before he clenched her hand tightly, his gaze now focused on the desk. He swallowed, blinked, chewed on the inside of his cheek, and then he said almost inaudibly, “You. All of you.”

“What do you mean by it? You have to be specific.” Her voice sounded a little hoarse and Red met her eyes. They were so bright, so blue. “I need you to be very specific, Ray.”

Still looking into her eyes, Red could do nothing else but tell her the truth, tell her everything. “I want to come home to you and Ray every evening. I want to put him to bed every night. I want to hold you close and never let go. I want to make love to you, and I never want to stop loving you, Lizzie.”

He shuddered when those words left his body almost in one breath. He loved her, and he loved his son, and he could not understand how he could have ever thought that he could live without her, without them. He hung his head, then, the past mistakes and misunderstandings weighting heavily on him… Until Lizzie pulled at his right hand and drew it to her lips.

“Alright.” She said softly and kissed his fingers. One soft touch, that one word, and Red broke. Tears in his eyes, heart beating painfully in his chest and breath labored, he looked at her in amazement.

“Just like that, Lizzie? Just like that?” He choked out, rubbing his eyes with his left hand, the other one firmly holding hers. He was never going to let go, now. He didn’t know why she was even holding his hand, why she was giving him this chance, but he was simply not letting go.

“Haven’t we wasted enough time already?” Lizzie dabbed at her eyelashes with a hanky and then stood up, pulling him closer. He happily obliged and held her for minutes, just enjoying the feeling of peace settling finally, finally over his soul. It had taken him a long time, but he had finally come to her and by doing so, he freed himself of all of his old fears and insecurities, of all the darkness and nightmares of the Concierge of Crime.

None of it mattered as long as he had his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. Wow. Well, I don’t really know what to write. That was the last chapter of Twice Shy and I loved so much to write it! Thank you all for your amazing responses, it’s been an honor to share this with you. I hope that you have enjoyed it as much as me… Now I’d like to invite you to have a look at my experimental Boston Legal/Blacklist crossover, In Too Deep (I think it’s not bad, but I might be a little biased here), and of course to read my future Lizzie/Red stories.  
> Oh yeah, I have a few ideas… *cackles maniacally and types furiously*

**Author's Note:**

> Mistakes are all mine! :)


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